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On Loving and Losing

Something wasn’t right
Something wasn’t in tune
And I couldn’t tell what, or why, as the sky looked all blue and perfect

“Anyone knows where is Coco?”
That’s how I knew something was wrong
Nobody saw him and he didn’t come to me running, begging for food

“I’ll go ask the owner of the building,” a friend stood up.
Off she went, leaving everyone looking all puzzled
Coco never disappeared. Not even once. He was that sweet of a fella

That’s when I started looking for him
All the while trying not to stare at the grey cloud cruelly appearing in my blue sky
Ignoring the sinking feeling, heavy unspeakable weight on my chest

“No news yet?” I tried to prolong my denial
In the splitting seconds, right before she mouthed those words, I knew
Coco was no longer with us. And he will never be. Ever again

I went home all wobbly, so close to getting hit by a pick-up and couldn’t care less
I spent the entire afternoon crying, looked at Coco’s pictures
I slapped instagram filter to make them look better, and cried some more

The pain felt strangely similar to the one I had not too long ago
A feeling that once again made me build a fortress
The same pain that got me wondering if it was all worth it

Then it dawned on me
I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of losing
I was not in love with anyone, and I lost anyway

It caught me off guard, took me by surprise
At the time I least expected it, when everything seemed perfect
When I thought this heart of mine was so well protected it couldn’t get any safer

Amidst the scattered memories and filtered photos, a thought sunk in
Could it be, the only way not to lose is by not being afraid to lose?
Could it be, that loving oneself is the closest thing to the love you’ll never lose?

Maybe it’s true, that everything happens for a reason
Perhaps Coco left so I can begin to see things right
Still, I wish he were still here; my little fella.

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Rest in Peace, Coco

Picture 1

I wish I could turn back time to save you. But I’m happy that I fed you your favorite sausage on your last breathing day.

I wish I had brought my camera to take decent pictures of you.

I wish we had spent more time together. Every morning, every lunch break and every afternoon.

I wish I had let you lick my hands, feet and arms longer.

I wish I told you that you were loved. Even if your owner didn’t. And that you wouldn’t have to worry because I would never hit you the way they did.

I wish you were still here.

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(Not) Another Mumbo Jumbo

I’m sick of dating, relationship and (want to get) married talks.

I work in social media and it seems that the only terms that really ‘sell’—whatever that means—are ‘soul mate’, ‘single’, ‘relationship’ and ‘marriage’. Oh, don’t forget ‘move on’ and ‘ex’. These are considered to be the easiest way to get lots of retweets and bunch of likes. Just come up with something, it can be random or totally common even obnoxious, add one of those terms, et voila.

I’m a bit annoyed by my circle of friends too. Don’t get me wrong, I heart my friends and heaven knows I’d go to hell and back for them. But I’ve had heard and read enough—again, I work in social media while residing in a small town where it successfully became the best tool to catch up with everything in the big city where almost all my friends and relatives live. I can’t escape all relationship, dating and marriage mumbo jumbo, and I’m overwhelmed. Not by the talks per se, but by the realization on how much it dominates our life.

Sure it’s normal, wanting to get married or simply have a beautiful relationship. Heck, I’d love to have one. But talking about it every day and bringing it up every time we have the chance?

Have we ever looked inside to figure out what is really happening? Do we really want a marriage, or are we merely longing for love and security? Are we ready for a healthy, stable relationship or are we simply too afraid of being alone? Is the thought of a future with no one beside you completely blows you off your feet that you’d be willing to jump on anyone with ‘available’ lights on their heads?

Being in a beautiful relationship is undoubtedly a mini paradise on earth. Being in love is magical and wonderful. I bet the butterflies in your stomach feel amazing beyond words. I’d vote for love any given time. Hell, it’s nice to have regular sex with someone. But being obsessed over (the idea of) love, relationship and marriage is something else. When it dominates your thought, words and actions, how does it affect your whole being?

Mind-blowing, isn’t it?

Yesterday I was scrolling through the news feed mindlessly and stumbled upon numerous single-dating-relationship-want-to-get-married (THIS YEAR! I WANT TO GET MARRIED THIS YEAR! …OK, maybe next year?) status updates and I couldn’t help but paused and wondered: Are we that incapable of enjoying ourselves when we are alone? Can we have a normal, daily (should I mention ‘healthy’ or would it come off too harsh?) talks without desperation written all over the place?

Alone. Alone. Alone. Is it such a scary word? Can we be content and satisfied with who we are and what we have, without over-thinking or regretting the fact that we, here in this moment, are alone?

Aren’t we enough?

Some people were born in pairs. But most were born alone. Perhaps it’s nature’s way of telling us that we *are* enough. One is enough. If we can find someone suitable to spend the rest of our lives with, it’s great, but if not, it’s also fine.

Because I don’t think our happiness, or our well being for that matter, should depend on the existence of someone else. Because as much as it sounds like a denial, I truly believe that each of us is good enough, at least for ourselves, to the point that being alone should not hinder us from leading a joyful life. Because the absence of a significant other is only a situation, not a death penalty.

Enough now.

Let’s talk about something else. How’s your dog?

 

*This writing was published on Thought Catalog.